Today we have another episode in Berit Gordon's series, "Tips for New Teachers", and today she discusses simple yet powerful strategies to build positive relationships with students who take more time to connect with. Learn how small intentional actions like giving genuine compliments, recognizing students beyond their struggles, and practicing positive regard can change your classroom experience. Plus hear insights and tips for coaches and administrators to support teachers in this journey.
Transcript
Berit:
Today I want to talk to new teachers about what they can do when they are dealing with students who still at this point in the year feel really challenging or they're resistant to our efforts. I want to talk about why it's so important, not just for the student, but for you, new teacher, to have an approach that will help you feel better and not like a failure. And I want to give you some quick tips of how you can chip away at that hard part of teaching. And first, I want to say as always, I don't judge. If you are feeling really frustrated by some students, you are not alone. I feel like there's this unwritten rule for new teachers where you're not allowed to say that some students are just really challenging. And so I want to share, when I was a new teacher, I had a coach in my classroom every two weeks, and she once said to me, "Berit, who's that student that you kind of avoid?"
And I said, "I don't avoid anyone." And she said, You know the students, maybe you don't like them as much." And I said, "No, I like everyone." And she said, "You know those students, that if they get mono and they were out for three weeks, you would be kind of relieved." And I said, "Oh, okay. Well, if we're being honest, yeah, I've got a couple of those." This is what my coach told me to do. She said, "I want you to go to them and I want you to tell them a genuine compliment, something they're doing well. And I don't want you to follow it up with anything like a 'but', you just leave it at the compliment, you walk away." I was like, "Okay, all right." And she's like, "Now, go do it now." So I did it. And it was awkward, it did not go terribly well, but I found something, I had a couple of those students. And I thought, whew, done.
And then she said, "Okay, so I'm coming back in two weeks. And every day between now and then, I want you to go to them and I want you to tell them something new, something different that they're genuinely doing well." And because I taught older students, especially with older students, she said, "You can't give them a fake compliment, they can sniff it out." It can't be, "I'm so glad you brought your pen to class today." It has to be something real. And so the only way you can do that, of course, is by talking to them and asking them questions. So I did it, and I will say it worked. It was hard, but it worked. I still know those students 25 years later. And of course I found out all these interesting things about them, and what happened was they became so much bigger than that label of a student who's just really hard for me to handle. They became bigger than just a challenging or problematic student.
The philosophy behind it, I read about in a wonderful book by Alex Venet about trauma-informed education. And she talks about this idea of having unconditional positive regard for your students. And what that means is you're not just accepting students as they are, you're valuing them as they are. And this is why this pays off for you, new teacher, because if we're able to do this, and I'm not saying it's easy or that their behaviors aren't still incredibly tiring or hard, but if we're able to access this idea of accepting and valuing students as they are, it softens us. It helps us enjoy our teaching day more. It helps us enjoy students more. And of course, it helps students feel safe, and soften. Because for those really challenging students, they have a quota filled of disapproving adults in their life. And when they sense that we are not necessarily adding to that, it is actually the best chance of their behavior improving.
But like I say, it's actually what helps me get to my best teaching self. It's when I feel lightest when I'm able to say, and by the way, I actually repeat that thought in my head because of just, I accept you and value you as you are. I just try to keep that on a repeating loop in my mind. Even if I don't feel it, it's okay. I might not feel it at that moment, but I keep thinking it. Because the things we think repeatedly become true in our brain. And if I'm thinking repeatedly, oh, I wish you could be in someone else's class, or, if you weren't in this class, I would actually be able to teach. Well, then those things become true, and our students sense it.
And so this unconditional positive regard, it might not happen right away, but again, it's what's going to help you feel like a better teacher. Also, the behaviors that they're exhibiting, they've probably had years to develop them, and it's worked for them in some way. It's a tremendous privilege to be able to come into school and to know how to follow all the rules, and to sit quietly and to listen and to take turns. And not every student has access to that. And so when we relax that a little bit it can really help. But how do we do that? So one is you could keep that mantra going, I value you as you are. But the second thing you can do is a little easier than what my coach had me do with the genuine compliments, here's a really quick thing you can try, which is just you notice them. And you don't just notice them in your head, you notice them verbally to them for anything that is neutral or positive.
So it's in a moment of calm, it's when the student isn't having a really tough time. You can notice anything about them. It could be, "Oh, I notice you walk home with your little sister. I notice you have on a Yankees jersey. I notice you read a lot of manga." Any of those noticings helps that student feel seen for something other than being an unsuccessful student. And they're all little moments of you're inviting them to connect. And so sometimes they will respond and you'll get this beautiful little moment of connection. And I want to also say, don't hold out for that moment of connection to look like, "Why, yes, Ms. Gordon, I am an ardent fan of the Yankees. They are my favorite team. What is your favorite?" They're not going to do that, they're going to do something more like, "Not really, they're not my favorite." But that's still an invitation to connect.
And then you'd say, "Yeah, I get that. Who is your favorite?" Or, "Who do you like more?" So just saying, "I notice." And I even keep little tally marks on a piece of paper with their initials that nobody ever sees, because I'm actually paying attention to how many times across a week I notice something about them that is neutral or positive. And again, it just helps them feel seen, and it helps me access that better teacher self where I am paying attention to them apart from them being a challenging student. If it can help you relax a little bit in that and take the pressure off, try that, noticing.
If you want to go a little further, I have a few other sentence starters you might try. And one is to say, "I'm happy you are in my class. I'm glad I get to know you this year." That might feel a little cheesy, but students like hearing it. You could say, "You had a tough time earlier, I get it. I want you to know that even when you have a tough time, I'm glad you're my student. I care about you no matter what." And those are the kinds of things that really do make a big difference. So you could try that. And I always want to give an extension for how coaches or administrators could support these strategies. And one thing a coach could do is that if you think of a couple students who might benefit from just this, "I notice" sentence starter, you could both notice that student, you could come back in a couple of weeks and pull the noticings. What did you find out? What did I find out? You're building a repertoire of seeing that student in a more complex way and building up that unconditional positive regard.
The other thing I would say is that teachers benefit from this. So administrators, we know we deal with them sometimes, teachers who are really struggling, and that might frustrate us because we're worried about those students. But trust me, those really struggling teachers, they know they're struggling. It's just like the problem student. And they know that people are disapproving of them. And if you can sometimes notice them apart from their teaching performance, that can really pay off. Pay attention to what their interests are, what they're doing outside of teaching, and just notice it, and see if that builds up a little more trust and softening for both of you.
Edie:
Thanks for tuning in today. Make sure to check out blog.heinemann.com where you can learn more about Berit's forthcoming book that is packed with strategies just like this one. This is where you can also read a full transcript.
About the Author
Berit Gordon brings many years of teaching experience in New York City schools as well as in the Dominican Republic to her literacy coaching work. She is a graduate and former instructor at Teachers College, Columbia University. Berit is the author of No More Fake Reading, and The Joyful Teacher. Whether running workshops, leading literacy coaching sessions, or working in classrooms, Gordon strives to help students fall in love with reading and writing, and to lay the groundwork so they are experts at both for life. She lives with her family in Maplewood, New Jersey.
You can connect with her on her website at BeritGordon.com.
