How to Diffuse Conflict and Reset

The following is adapted from The Joyful Teacher by Berit Gordon.

The first time I saw restorative justice in action, a group of eighth graders gathered in a circle to discuss a fight that had broken out earlier. Each student had a turn to talk about who had been hurt, what their needs were, and what steps needed to be taken to protect the community. Teachers in this building understood that the most egregious behavior comes from a place of hurt and need.

Indeed, the most exasperating and sometimes harmful student behavior is its own communication to us, telling us, “I don’t know how to deal with this. I’m out of my league. I feel out of control.” It’s up to us to help. Ideally, you’ll first do some reading about restorative justice practices and think how this could look across your school. But for now, think about how you can try a move that’s aligned philosophically to restorative justice practices in your classroom.

Deescalate

If you encounter a student or group of students emotionally, verbally, or physically hurting others or the space, try this series of steps:

1. If it’s only one student, call them off to the side or out of class. If it’s a group, try to isolate a pair or, better yet, one student at a time. Avoid talking to them in front of their peers.
2. Speak in a low tone. Name your own feelings in the situation. “I feel/am _________ (emotion) when/that you _________ (behavior) because _________ (reason).”
3. Let them recount their own feelings using the same sentence frame or simply saying their emotion.
4. Listen. Try not to interrupt or correct. Circle back to helping them name their emotion if needed.
5. You might stop there and thank them for talking to you. Let them know you will revisit the conversation with them later that day and name the time the conversation will happen. Do this if you need to get back to the class or if you or the student are too emotionally fragile to calmly look at next steps.
6. Help the student reenter the class. Give them a task they can work on by themselves if reentering the group is likely to reignite the feeling and behavior.
7. If you have the time and mental bandwidth, move on to the next set of steps, or simply use this sentence frame: “I need you to _________ (request).” Let the student know what you need them to do to turn the situation around and make amends.

Restore

Try this series of steps to restore a sense of safety and trust and to restore appropriate behavior:

1. Help the student to acknowledge their behavior and how it might have affected others. Encourage specific language. Instead of “I acted out,” help them get to “I threw my papers on the floor.” “I ruined someone else’s drawing.” “I called a classmate mean names.”
2. If appropriate, ask them to apologize to others. If this is likely to be a hollow gesture, however, you can skip this step. What is most important is that the student sees a vision for how to change in the future and makes amends when needed. A gesture or action might mean more than an apology.
3. Ask the student what they can commit to changing and doing in the future.
4. Create a plan for how the student can make amends by asking them to figure out how to make things right. Offer suggestions if needed.
5. Help follow up on the plan for making things right.

Adaptations for K-5:

• Pick your battles. Not every situation warrants a full de-escalation and restorative discussion. The ones, however, that are repeated, severe, or hurting others do warrant more than “Cut it out.”
• When students become dysregulated, address it, but then quickly move on. Encourage students to see that tomorrow is a blank slate and a new day.
• Use the phrase “big deal” and “no big deal” to help students differentiate between times when an adult needs to be involved and when students can work on it themselves.

Adaptations for 6-12:

• Consider restorative justice practices that involve classroom communities and circles. Check out San Francisco’s Unified School District’s “Restorative Practices Whole School Implementation Guide” (2013) or the Schott Foundation’s “Restorative Practices: Fostering Healthy Relationships & Promoting Positive Discipline in Schools” (2014). These are more involved but can be game changers in terms of helping students create and protect caring communities.

Unless your school is using restorative justice practices, this may feel foreign to you and to students. Expect some surprise and push back from others. Be ready to explain the why and how of your new approach. Invite others in to try it with you.